VA-CAY-CAY

I have just spent a few days at Le Touessrok hotel in Mauritius and discovered that my reputation as an auctioneer extraordinaire followed me to the Indian Ocean. While polishing off pudding on the night of the resort's anniversary dinner, I was asked to auction a picture for charity. Having washed down all 10 courses of dinner with copious amounts of wine, I was a little nervous. In fact, I was worried that I would get up in front of 300 guests and be unable to talk - or even walk. And the result? Well, just call me Little Miss Smug. They had hoped to raise about Pounds 1,200 but, thanks to the silver tongue of mwah, they were presented with a cheque for more than Pounds 5,000.

The next day I decided to go for an early-morning run down to the sea. As I had a private beach, I set off wearing nothing but a smile, only to run straight into a little German man. Last time we had met, he shouted at me for playing my Three Tenors CD too loudly. This time, he was so surprised that he couldn't look me in the eye, until he realised that it was more embarrassing to look anywhere else. After a few mumbled apologies he hurried away and, I have to say, he was very nice to me after that, although his wife shot me some poisonous glances.